My (Breck’s) Journal
Entry: Nov 17, 2013
Yes, it’s long and one
doesn’t have to read it if they don’t want to, but I just thought I’d include a
journal entry I wrote the day my fear left me concerning my surgery coming up.
I know God will take care of me. -Breck
I
have not been to my ward in church in the past three weeks. This last month has
been crazy. I was in the hospital due to some complications with a test they
did to see if I can have surgery. I have had the flu, pneumonia, and a bunch of
other crazy things have come up. We just found out about three days ago that I
can have surgery and scheduled it for December 16th or 18th,
right after I get out of this semester of college, because the surgeon told me
I shouldn’t be in school and I shouldn’t be working for about a month after the
surgery. I should go on picnics, watch movies, but not put any stress on the
brain.
My
epilepsy came out of the blue about three years ago, almost four now. It’s hard
to remember those years of schooling without seizures. The first year, my
junior year of high school, we didn’t have insurance so I therefore had seizure
after seizure, since I had no medicine. I could have six seizures in one day.
But once some insurance company, CRS (Children's Rehabilitative Services),
picked me up out of the blue these past years have been full of trying to find
the right medicine to stop my seizures and seeing doctors about other options
than meds. The longest any medicine has ever worked on me is six months.
I’ve slept with my mom so she could watch over me throughout the night so many
times now my dad prefers the couch.
So
once we heard I might possibly be a candidate for surgery I was so excited, and
we immediately started the process of taking all the tests and doing everything
else to come to this end where I find it hard to believe I’ve finally reached.
Luckily I have an amazing mom who has recorded everything, all the names of the
doctors we’ve seen and tests I’ve done because I’ve done so many I can’t
remember what they’re called. I just remember what they feel like, and
everything that has gone wrong with them, not that the test itself is wrong.
We’ve just found out that I’m the 1% chance of anything going wrong. I’ve
passed out and my heart has stopped beating for six seconds. I was about to
leave once and had a seizure right in front of the hospital, only to learn
later after staying in the hospital for a week that it might have been caused
by one of the six strokes I had due to the procedure they’d done. One test they
did required me to stay in the hospital for a week where they wanted me to have
seizures so they could record them. Sleep deprivation would help cause these
seizures so in that week after staying awake for thirty hours straight I had
six or seven seizures within twenty-four hours. I can’t remember.
So
now that we’ve finally reached this point…this point where the surgeon asks me
if I want to go through with the surgery…in my mind I’m thinking, “Well do I?”
as my mouth immediately says, “Yes.” Throughout that entire day my mom talked
on and on, so cheerfully it seemed, about it to everyone, on the phone, my
friend in the car, Emily Redford, and I kept thinking in my head, “Mom, it’s
not your brain.” Because deep down inside, I truly was scared. I’ve come this
far, and now…well, now what? I’m the 1%...what if something goes wrong? I know
my surgeon does these surgeries every week. He says I’m a normal case but I
don’t think I should be looked at as that. I think I should be looked and cared
for with such tender care and extra precaution that I will be assured they’re
doing their absolute best to try and take care of me and make this work.
The
last couple of nights I’ve prayed to my Father in Heaven and told him I’m going
through with this surgery. I told him if I shouldn’t do this he should tell me
so, but I am taking action like I know he wants us to do. And then today I was
finally able to go to My Stake Conference, My Mesa East YSA Stake Conference. I
did go to church last week, but it was in Prescott to see a cousin’s missionary
farewell talk, and this felt so wonderful to finally see people I knew and it
felt like it had been forever instead of only three weeks. Lots of people asked
how I was doing and it was nice to feel cared for.
I
know I was where I was supposed to be at the right time today. The spirit was
so strong. I learned so much, and I feel that every speaker came prepared and
spoke with power. The greatest and strongest part of the meeting for me however
was when our stake president, President Sandstrom, spoke. At first he seemed to
just be telling a story, about his loving wife. He mentioned over and over
again how optimistic she is, even during this time he was telling us about when
they found out she had a tumor in her brain. She ended up having to have brain
surgery, and for the next couple of years had terrible headaches and didn’t
feel too well but was still her same old optimistic self. I feel my prayer was
answered today with his talk…because the surgeon who worked on his wife, Kris
Smith, is the same surgeon who will be working on me, in the same St. Joseph’s
hospital in Phoenix where I will have my brain surgery in order to hopefully
stop my seizures. I feel God is telling me to go for this surgery and trust in
him, and I still don’t know if my seizures will stop, but I also feel that I
need to take a more optimistic outlook on this, and an eternal perspective. I
feel I’ve always been good at looking at the eternal perspective in life but
realized today that I haven’t been with this surgery. I’ve just been thinking
about driving in My car which I’ve already bought and my older brother is
driving everywhere, and wondering what I will do if I need to take meds for the
rest of my life because I still have seizures. You know what, I need to just go
forward with this surgery, put my trust in God, and always live my life with a
smile. Every time I see the word, smile, written out I’m unable to not think of
what my mom has ingrained in me of what she thinks that word means. SMILE-Spiritually
Minded Is Life Eternal.
